Gia

me writing again

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 23:27:50 GMT

this is called Confessions of a Slut . . . not autobiographical

All I want, for once, is for somebody to make love to me.
I am tired of fucking, having sex, and hooking up.
For once, I believe I deserve to be made love to, just once.
I can no longer find that minute of bliss, of happiness, of togetherness I used to find after sex.
I am looking for that one person to love me, just me.
Stop loving my looks, my breasts, my ass and my cunt.
I deserve someone to love me entirely, even love my faults and annoyances.
I can do the same for you.
I know how to love, but I need some in return to continue.
I am all used up.
I used to be full of love, but you just kept taking and taking, a stomach never full.
Well I'm hungry.
I need you to nourish me.
I need you to feed me, make me whole again, free of charge.
Don't you at least owe yourself that much?
Don't you still owe me for the night?

me writing

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 23:21:37 GMT

i wrote this little piece, i call it Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe is what I'll be
bunch of curls and fancy free
Dancing around for all to see
I'm not causing scandal, I'm just being me.

so i'm pretty bad about updating this journal

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 23:16:49 GMT

it's been a long long time, probably way too long . . . sorrie

i have started college, i am done with my first year and i survived.

this year has been kinda tough, want details? just ask . . . i'm not going to bore everyone with them here.

but not only am i surviving, i am thriving and learning new things by the minute.

whoops

Mon, 24 Feb 2003 05:25:14 GMT

sorrie i haven't written in here in a long time.

here is what's new

i'm in college
i have a boyfriend
i am happie

have a good day!

just another crazy day

Sat, 18 May 2002 16:14:41 GMT

friday was definitely senior day. senior picnic during the day, which only means you don't have to go to school and you can show up in saratoga state park and pretend to like the rest of your classmates.

prom was also friday night. i got my hair done for the first time, and i loved it. it looked like a spiraled fan ... you would have to see it to know what i was talking about ... it was not that traditional curls and shit ... it was spiky. my nails matched my dress perfectly, and all my jewelry was great. i went and picked up killian, he is just so adorable, i can't stand it!!!

prom was a lot of fun, i had an excellent time ... killian is a good dancer! and ... the weirdest part is that i was on the prom court. it's kinda weird, i don't know why those people would vote for me when i don't even like them ... jk jk jk ... well not really but you know what i mean. so i had to stand up on stage and dance with my male counterpart, john forner. good times.

after prom was ok.... erich lenning's house. i feel sorrie for that kid, his house is destroyed. driving up there wasn't too bad, except i had like 20 cars following me because they didn't know how to get there... oh well i'm a good kid.

the best was waking up today and seeing that there was about a foot of snow on the ground and driving home in the snow. that is what i called fucked up!

the prom date

Wed, 15 May 2002 19:29:02 GMT

i did get a new prom date. he's not a fucking prick, he's adorable.

his name is killian. see, i told you he was adorable. he's a junior at my school, and he's very tall. i think i scare him, cause i didn't even know him and my friend introduced us but everything is good now.

we went out to breakfast. he's adorable!!! he opened the door for me, grabbed the check quick when it came. and he even complimented me on my sense of style! aww!!!!

we will have a good time at prom!

no more high school!

Wed, 15 May 2002 19:07:00 GMT

well, high school isn't officially over, but i am all done with my ap's. i have finished them all, and i will be out on june 13th! yay! and graduated on june 29th! double yay!

i took ap calc ab, ap art history, ap french, and ap pig. and if i get a 3 on any of them it will be a miracle ... we will see in july.

i don't know if anyone of you remember, but i was suppose to go to west point a while ago because that is where i got accepted. except they decided to waitlist me in march ... and then reject me last week. so i am now going to american university in washington dc. that's ok, i really liked beating the shit out of myself since august to get in shape for west point and not eating for a week to lose weight because i was over their requirements. and i especially like being told i was fully qualified and then being rejected for no good reason. fuck you army! it's not my fault i don't have any political connections or military connections ... and i shouldn't have to to just get into college!

but that's ok, no hard feelings. i am going to american and i will be a good student and have a good time.

oh, and on friday i have my senior picnic and my senior prom. i am excited!

at least it's not 50%

Tue, 14 May 2002 20:17:53 GMT

See, i'm not what everyone says i am! ha ha, i'm just joking. i'm an angel! seriously

he he he

Tue, 07 May 2002 04:58:30 GMT

more writings

Tue, 07 May 2002 04:38:09 GMT

i think this could be a song ... if i knew how to write music.

this is called Bastards.

::hope i never see you again
wish i never answered your call
should have locked the door when you came over
i should have never said hello
hope i never see you again.

you told me that i was beautiful
you told me that you needed me most
that i was the one who could fill the void,
tha ti was the one you were looking for.
you simply filled my heart with lies.

i hope i never see you again
hope my ears never hear your voice
hope my eyes never see your eyes, your hair, your soul.
hope to never feel your touch.

well i guess this is goodbye.::

it's very therapeutic. cheap therapy.

to respond to the "fucking prick"

Thu, 02 May 2002 03:37:07 GMT

it was so nice that the "fucking prick" decided to address me and my friends in my journal.

well for everyone's knowledge the "fucking prick" is tom pfeiffer. and this song is for tom pfeiffer.

hope by bigwig

i wrote you a letter saying that i'm never coming back. now i can be here by myself without you and no one else. you're such a waste of time but i'll be just fine. i saw a picture of you today. i can't believe how much you've changed. so much time too soon too quick. another reason for me to drink. i'm buried in my shirt what i can't see won't hurt. i hope i never see you again. not after what you did and what you said. i bet you thought this sotry had a happy ending. i hope i never see you again.

the prom again

Tue, 30 Apr 2002 20:15:40 GMT

well at least now i have a date.

the prom

Fri, 19 Apr 2002 04:32:16 GMT

let me just say that i fucking hate high school.

a lot.

my original prom date decided to be a total guy about everything ... so we are no longer going together.

so it's a month away and i'm gonna scramble like hell for a date. sounds like fun.

fucking prick.

at least my dress is gorgeous with perfectly matching shoes.

eh

Thu, 04 Apr 2002 04:42:27 GMT

i need a cigarette

my thougths recently

Thu, 04 Apr 2002 04:38:38 GMT

i wrote a poem a week ago.

just in case you wondered, i don't have self-confidence.

so here is the poem ... it's me being dumb. ok:

just to feel needed again,
that's all i'm asking for.
just to be wanted again,
to be someone's one and only,
to cause butterflies and shaky knees,
to provoke longing feelings of lust, love, and hope.
a lust for my body, a love for my soul, and a hope for our future.

i'm pathetic i know ... you don't have to tell me.

it's my birthday today! yay!

Tue, 19 Mar 2002 21:41:39 GMT

today i am 18! yay for birthdays!

it's kinda scary though, cause now people are going to expect me to be responsible and more adult like ...

fuck that shit!

ha ha i'm 18!

wish me happy birthday!

singing boys

Thu, 07 Mar 2002 03:50:16 GMT

i really don't want to do my homework tonight, but i promise this will be the last entry for the night.

i really like the song hero by enrique ... i know i'm a dork, but i really like the song. and i have decided that if a boy sings me that song, hero, no matter who he is or what he looks like or anything, we have to get married on the spot. no, i'm joking about getting married on the spot, but we will definitely have to start dating ... it's my rule.

so i'm at ski club skiing with my boys, and we're all on the chairlift. and the boys start singing songs, and what song do you think they sing? you guessed it, hero. you think it's possible for there to be 5 boys out there for me, and all on the same chairlift? it just made me laugh, it was amusing.

"i can be your hero"

13 days until my birthday!

Thu, 07 Mar 2002 03:43:26 GMT

hey! i almost forgot! i'll be 18 in 13 days! yay 18!

i'm pretty excited... i don't even have big plans, i just want to be 18. and when i do turn 18, just to make sure i am 18, i am going to buy a pack of cigarettes, buy a lotto ticket, and go to a club with my real id ... just to make sure.

yay almost legal!

ha, it's been a while

Thu, 07 Mar 2002 03:32:36 GMT

hi kids! i know it has been a while since i have updated this ... so i'll try to do my best and keep it up to date ... some things i'll discuss others i won't.

here is a list of what you will be looking forward to reading:

~why all girls schools suck
~the ongoing college saga
~a little about school, just a little
~boys
~shopping

here is a list of what you will not be reading in my journal:

~day-by-day list of what i do
~the ex chad
~what happens when i go out
~how i curl my hair
~"personal" relations!

yay! come back soon, i promise i'll update!

i have good news

Mon, 21 Jan 2002 17:25:17 GMT

I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!
I'M GOING TO WEST POINT!

ahhhh!!!!

Mon, 14 Jan 2002 04:15:56 GMT

ok, good news first:
i got my first college acceptance letter. not from anywhere exciting, but from marymount college. and they are giving me $10,000 a year to go there.

this is good. at least i have a back-up school. maybe the other colleges will use marymount as an example and ...

ok bad news:
too much work! my eye hurts and i'm still sick but i have to write a huge psych paper, read a few more books for my english class and get ready for my art history midterm on friday! oh shit, start digging the hole to bury me!

wish me luck!

no more

Fri, 11 Jan 2002 06:16:40 GMT

well he has accomplished his goal. he has successfully pissed me off for the last and final time. remember now chad, this is what you want. you're the one who doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, doesn't want to hang out because it would be weird. oh well. your loss. and about that once a week thing? i'd rather spend time with someone who likes spending time with me also. really a pity you went to rpi to be close to me, considering at the end of this year i'm going away to college, which you knew before you went to rpi. but i'm still sure you went to be close to me, that's why you visit so often ... hell i know you call all the time. do you even remember my number?

good luck with your new girl.

shit needs to get the fuck off of my chest so here goes nothing

Mon, 31 Dec 2001 05:21:58 GMT

i'm scared. i don't want to say what i'm really feeling. i guess i owe it to myself. this is the only thing i know for sure right now, if i don't feel any better, i'm not going to college. i was doing my college applications tonight, but some "complications" came into play, so i'm gonna finish them right after i feel better.

ok so i won't feel better but maybe i'll be able to understand some things better.... i always sound like i'm talking to myself, i'm such a dork. why am i suck a dork?

i got my hair cut. it's a dork cut. i don't know how to do my own hair. i'm so fucking stupid... god damn me!

ok i'm gonna go back to the summer. i am very sorrie chad (p) that i never wrote about your party or coming to visit you. i should have ... i'm a bitch, but you already know that. i had an awesome time, everytime i hear that song it makes me happie! i'm not gonna say anything further....cause i'm still waiting for you to fess up.

i'm getting to what is really bothering me, simmer down!

ok, for the past 2 new year's i have spent them with chad (s). this is gay...i know what chad i am talking about. ok whatever, i'm sidetracking. i love spending new year's with chad. it's what i do on new year's, new year's would be my favorite holiday. and every new year's i would make my own personal resolution, i would resolve to be a better girlfriend and to be nicer to him. i'll admit it, i was the biggest bitch in the world. so chad and i were suppose to hang out this new year's.....but, you can read what happened:

A6dumbass9: so what you want to do tomorrow?
A6dumbass9: sorrie
Chad0713: its k....did u get my message?
A6dumbass9: no
Chad0713: Chad0713: alright....im going to dinner w/ my parents tomorrow nite and my sis asked me if i'd hang out w/ her tomorrow nite and i haven't really been home too much so i said yes.....but can we hang out during the day on new years day?....if you're not too mad
A6dumbass9: yeah i'm not mad
Chad0713: yes u are
A6dumbass9: what took you so long to get back to me?
A6dumbass9: ah yeah a little bit
A6dumbass9: i put all my plans on hold for you
Chad0713: well i had no idea about the whole dinner thing until just now....and my sister asked me earlier and i told her i'd let her know....and i just feel kinda bad....cuz we used to just hang out
A6dumbass9: ok chad
Chad0713: ok what?
A6dumbass9: what do you want me to say
Chad0713: well is that an okay we can still hang out tuesday?
A6dumbass9: well i don't know......i'll have to think about it, how bout i let you know on tuesday?
A6dumbass9: but you had better leave the day open just in case i change my mind and can't find anything better to do
Chad0713: just forget it Gia
A6dumbass9: excuse me?
Chad0713: wanna make me feel more guilty?
A6dumbass9: like you feel real guilty
Chad0713: u act as if u even know
A6dumbass9: want to try that one again, except in english this time?
Chad0713: u think u know exactly how i feel about everything
A6dumbass9: i don't think that at all. i don't even know who the hell you are anymore
A6dumbass9: i should have known you would have stood me up again, just like the last few times we were suppose to hang out
A6dumbass9: i don't know if this is your subconscious getting back at me for being a bitch, but i'm really sick of it.
Chad0713: quick question...lets say u and i hung out....had a good time....and then i brought u to some girls house u didn't even know and told u she wanted me
Chad0713: and don't say u thought i had a good time
A6dumbass9: i never said ben wanted me
Chad0713: ok....u liked him...he liked u...whatever....it was more than just "some guy"
A6dumbass9: it was just some guy
A6dumbass9: that was the last time i saw him, and the last time i talked with him was when we went to that second concert
A6dumbass9: so yeah, it was just some guy
A6dumbass9: i asked you if you wanted to go.......i didn't want to take you there, but you said it was fine to go there.......
A6dumbass9: i'm sorrie if i didn't read your mind on this topic
A6dumbass9: what else chad? what else is there that you got to get back at me for? just get it all out now
A6dumbass9: chad?
A6dumbass9: this is real mature chad......yeah chad!
Chad0713: im just sick of this....i've spent the last 3 months trying to forget you...yes....to forget u....and no matter what i do or who i see or anything....nothing gets you out of my head....and the worst part is that i dunno if its becuz i hate u....or i love u....and frankly i don't wanna know what one it is....and everytime we hang out it just makes me even more confused
A6dumbass9: or so instead of just saying "i don't want to hang out with you, gia" you decide to ditch me instead. even i don't deserve that
Chad0713: and either u know exactly what i mean or have no idea
A6dumbass9: do you know that i only wanted to spend new year's even with you because i've spent the last 2 new year's with you, and i just wanted to be near you again on new year's, but i guess that i'm just wrong
Chad0713: do u remember those past new years?.....how they felt?....I just don't want this one to end up ruining the others...cuz i know this one would have been totally different
A6dumbass9: i miss you
Chad0713: i miss you too
A6dumbass9: no you don't
A6dumbass9: you don't want anything to do with me, you just want to pretend i'm not here
Chad0713: yeah.....thats it....do u have any idea what the main reason i went to RPI was for?....because i would be 15 minutes from u....and whens the last time u visited?....oh wait?....cuz u needed homework help...thats right...good reason to visit...not to hang out.....or maybe go out....maybe go to a movie....no gia's gonna grace me w/ her presence so she can get some homework done
Chad0713: whatever
Chad0713: bye
A6dumbass9: excuse me? you never invite me over
Chad0713: maybe if u showed an interest i would
A6dumbass9: you want me to just show up and say: "hey, here i am! let's hang out!" let's replay to the summer.......you ditched me 3 times
A6dumbass9: i do show an interest! how the fuck do i know if you even want me there? i don't want to intrude....what if you have someone over?
Chad0713: i can't do this

that was it. i'm a bitch. it's not my fault i still love him. why is it just him who gets to forget, or at least pretend to forget. and just for the past 3 months? i'm confused. i think my problem is that i just had this whole fantasy about how this new year's would be ... i'm just plain stupid. god damn emotions and feelings! fuck this shit! this year is just gonna be shitty ... i'm not gonna get into college, no i know what is gonna happen. i'll fucking get into west point, and then the day i'm suppose to be there for the beast i'll get in a car accident and die. i'm pretty sure that is how it's all gonna happen.

ok. i don't feel better, but at least it's off my chest. god damnit. so... i'm off, gonna write some college essays.

i hate my life.

west point

Wed, 28 Nov 2001 04:26:21 GMT

yeah, i need to get some self-confidence going on over here, cause i know if i had some, i would be able to do a lot better on my PAE (physical aptitue exam)....but i took it, and it's all good.

the weekend

Mon, 29 Oct 2001 03:43:21 GMT

well.......as a result of this weekend, i have the lowest level of self-confidence ever. i never did have very high self-confidence, or any for that matter....but now i really don't have any at all....and i can't get myself out of this stupor of being dumb. i don't know what i really wrong with me...i just need to snap out of it, but i can't. eh, i'm sure it will pass.